Thud!
I start this posting with a quote from Pink Floyd’s The Wall. It is written from the perspective of a husband to his wife. But I use it here to describe the next phase of my faith journey.
Day after day, love turns grey
Like the skin of a dying man.
Night after night, we pretend it’s all right
But I have grown older and
You have grown colder and
Nothing is very much fun anymore.
And I can feel one of my turns coming on.
I feel cold as a razor blade,
Tight as a tourniquet,
Dry as a funeral drum.
–One of my Turns, Roger Waters of Pink Floyd
Before it began, my ministry career was over. Try as I might, I could only find two paths.
1. This was a test of my faith. God would provide if I would step out in faith.
2. I was full of shit. There was no God. There was no calling. My relationship with god was just a foolish self-delusion.
I did not have the faith to pursue option #1. Regardless of whether or not it was true, I did not believe enough. Over time, I began to embrace option #2.
As if to confirm my choice, my Emmaus sponsor, my spiritual mentor, the man whose faith I modeled my own after, committed suicide.
Dead
I continued to go to church. At first out of habit, then because my wife got a job at a new church. I went through the motions. But it meant nothing.
Dead
I read a lot of books. I am an atheist.
I am.
No really.
OK, I could be wrong.
I am an agnostic. Maybe there is a god.
Damn it. There is something that connects us. I am not sure what it is. But there IS something.
All of my old tricks no longer work. I need to try something new.
Buddhism?
Nah.
Hinduism?
Nah.
What I need, is to rethink everything.
What I need, is to imagine.
Due to our easy ability of self-deception, “rethinking everything” is tough.
Suicide ironically moved me into to religion and helped move me out. I have seen too much of that in my personal life.
Curious, why did you say “nah” to Buddhism — “nah” is fine, of course, just trying to figure out your evaluative method.
Most simply, just living should be enough. But many folks feel something missing in their life and thus look for packages (religions, bingo, sports …) to solve that. So for each of us, it is identifying what is so unsatisfactory that drives us to these distractions.
Bingo! Finally I have the answer!
Seriously though…I “nah” to Buddhism is probably a poor choice of words. Actually, I agree with everything I read about Buddhism, I just don’t self identify as Buddhist. To quote John Lennon or Farris Buehler, I don’t believe in isms. I am trying very hard not to subscribe to any creed. But I do see value in many traditions, Christianity included.
I am something…and I think my something is connected to others something…but alas, this too could be an illusion.
“I am something” – I like that.
There aren’t labels for people in the gaps, but that doesn’t mean we don’t exist, or don’t have a coherent identity. It just means no one’s taken the trouble to invent a name for us or what we are.
I vote for ORACLES OF TRUTH. If we do not have a strong name, they won’t let us burn people at the stake. –tongue firmly in cheek 🙂