Let me say up front, that I do not make New Year’s resolutions. I think trying to change your behavior because of an arbitrary date is doomed to failure. Making little changes over time that is eminently doable. So in no particular order, here are some things I would like to improve upon (that is a lie…the order is pretty specific).
Poundage: Let’s get the cliché out of the way. I need to lose 20lbs (100 would be nice…baby steps).
DeSlugify: Yeah, OK I need to walk around a bit (running would result in too much jiggling for me or anyone watching).
More Jekyll less Hyde: Smiles everyone smiles (da plane…da plane)!
Reinvent Faith: Here is the nutmeat of my entry, written in the form of a Christmas Carol.
Ghost of Religion past…I was a true believer. Though I would never have embraced the label of fundamentalist, it would not have been entirely inaccurate to categorize me as such. I believed in the integrity if not inerrancy of scripture. By that I mean, I did not believe every word of the Bible as literally written; nor did I embrace all of its books (Joshua…oh, Joshua). But on the whole, I believed the entire thing. I saw one cohesive narrative that I believed to be true.
Though I no longer embraced the doctrine of the Assemblies of God (the Pentecostal denomination of my childhood), I enthusiastically embraced Methodist doctrine and its core beliefs as put forth in the book of discipline. I had a very intense spiritual encounter in which I felt called into the ministry (three day retreat where I could not stop crying). I had completed the first phase of exploration and was on the brink of starting seminary (I was a year into the “official” process).
Ghost of Religion Present…Two events of the past decade have caused me to question everything and to distance myself from church and faith. First, circumstances changed my “relationship” with Jesus/God. I became unable or unwilling to pursue my calling. Because of family medical issues, I was left with two rather unattractive options. Option A: admit that my “calling” was not authentic and continuing working at a job I hate so that my family could afford medical care and food/shelter. Option B: take consequences be damned approach to pursing my calling. Go to seminary, quit my job and take a job at a church that would pay no more than 30K with less than adequate health insurance. Additionally, trust that Jesus/God will provide. Because of the specific nature of my calling, choosing option A would gradually erode my faith. Option B might work out, but I would be gambling/trusting the wellbeing of not only myself, but my wife and infant son on my faith. I chose option A. And it has been a 10 year slide into faith oblivion.
The second event was the suicide of my Emmaus sponsor, the retreat where I felt God’s calling to become a full time pastor. Long story…but this was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.
Ghost of Religion Future…I know where this road leads. And no, I do not mean hell (well not specifically anyway). I am already paying the price for my semi-apostasy. I no longer belong to a community of faith, my marriage has been strained, I feel increasingly alienated from my family and my son appears to be ambivalent about God.
I am realistic. No hymn, scripture, book, sermon or religious experience is going to suddenly zap me back into the person I was. I have done too much critical thinking to ever return to the faith observed by the ghost of religion past.
But I am unwilling to throw out spirituality altogether. Whether or not faith represents any objective method for measuring the nature of reality, it is a comfort. It does build community. It does give meaning to existence. It does break the myopic focus on self.
So in the upcoming year, I want to get over my aversion to religion and try to build a new theology that is consistent with where I find myself in life.
And if I could do that while losing 20lbs, so much the better!
I appreciate your honesty. I don’t think any of us, given our life circumstances, can ever go back to the people we used to be. We have to work with the now, who we are, where we are. I don’t want to be the ignorant girl I was going into Bethany, as rigidly religious as my checkered religious upbringing would let me be. There is room for you.