Noise in the Void

Tag: anger

  • I Can Do All Things (Phil four thirteen)

    Go to church long enough and the same topics and scriptures are repeated.  If they use the lectionary it is roughly every three years or so.  At most churches it is somewhere between 3 and 5 years…except around Christmas and Easter, they are repeated annually.  Rarely do you hear a good sermon about Jael driving a tent stake through her enemy’s skull.  Pity…it would make a terrific children’s musical.  <Tongue firmly in cheek>

    So regardless of whether or not you care for a particular passage of scripture, if it is “popular,” you will hear it over and over again.

    So yesterday my number was up.  The scripture was one of my former favorites.  I memorized it back when I was in Bible Quiz.  “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”

    <side note:  I checked my spelling of strengtheneth…it was right.  I have a King James brain.  Actually looking at chapter 4, I used to have the whole thing memorized.  But my brain jelly is not what it used to be.>

    So, back to my story…Phil 4.  This was my all time favorite scriptures.  It was my motivational mantra.  Any unpleasant tasks, conversations, interviews, public speaking, you name it; this scripture got me through it.  I would repeat it over and over as a chant.  It got me through many binds.  It was pure force of will with JC backing me up.

    But now I associate this scripture with my fall from grace.  It was the day of Ethan’s birth.  We had just gotten the news about his imperforated anus and his right leg was shriveled like a flipper.  He was rushed off to the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU).  Jenn had to go back to her room because she was still paralyzed from the epidural.  She was beside herself, but she wanted me to check on our baby.

    I was escorted back to where his incubator was.  They told me I could touch him through vent holes.  I took a deep breath.  “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me!”  At first I just patted his back and head.  Then I gathered all of my strength and will.  I firmly clutched his right foot.  I visualized a constant current of lightning surging through my body.  This boy was going to be healed.  He was going to be whole.  I focused all my power on this simple prayer for healing.  “I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHICH STRENGTHENETH ME!!!”  “In the name of Jesus be healed.”  I lost all track of time.  I was here.  It was now.  I have heard about miraculous healing all of my life.  This was MY time.  This was the place.  I was going to spend the rest of my life telling others of the miracle that Jesus had performed that day.  IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN.

    …but nothing happened.  Except Ethan’s leg got kind of sweaty.

    I have failed.  I lacked the faith.  But how could that be???  I did have the faith!  I did damn it!!!

    I felt myself sink into a deep hole from which I have never fully emerged.  Paul could do all things…Ben could not.

    I miss that Ben.  I want absolute assurance.  I want to know that the power of God courses through my body.  But if I may mix the metaphor…like Icarus, I crashed back to earth.

    Thud

  • Nothing Moves…This Week

    This week was a roller coaster ride.  Thankfully, it is over.  Sunday the world is fresh again.

    “Gray Day….Everything is gray.

    I watch. But nothing moves today.”…Dr. Seuss

    Monday was one of those days that I felt wholly inadequate as a parent.  Ethan has struggled with his whole life with urinary continence.  What most children master by age two is bedeviling us at age 10.  So we dutifully dragged him down to Children’s Hospital for another round of testing.  There were three tests of which I will spare you the detail.  But suffice to say they were invasive in the extreme.  If I were having the tests myself I would feel humiliated and exposed.  I can only imagine what goes through a 10 year old boys mind.

    We got some good information, but the emotional cost took a huge toll.

    Tuesday I went back to work, but in hindsight that may not have been a wise choice.  I was a basket case.  In addition to managing the work I missed, my boss wanted me to deal with a human resource issue.  I politely declined.  I am dumb; but I am not stupid.

    Things got better as the week went on, but I was completely unproductive.  When you are dealing with quality of life issues, work seems so pointless.

    I slept most of my Saturday away.  I feel better now.

  • Attitude Adjustment

    Denial is an interesting phenomenon.  After getting my annual review, I was really pissed off that I got dinged for being hostile and abrasive.  My reaction was the same as it has always been:  Yes, I lose my temper every now and then; but it is no worse than other managers in the organization.  Why do they always ding me?

    I wanted to write it off to just having a bad reputation that is not deserved.  But upon further reflection, it kind of dawned on me.  What if, and I know it is a stretch, they have been right all along and you just too pig headed to see it in yourself.

    Hmmmm…

    But!….

    Hmmmmm…

    So I decided to maybe take a deeper look.  I started going to therapy again.  This is my fourth crack at therapy.  The first time, right after college, was very successful.  But the last two therapists I tried were duds.  But this time I got lucky again.

    How did I know I had a winner?  I did a complete brain dump of what I thought was the problem:  medical issues, work stress & stupid people.  At the end of the first session which went way way way more than an hour, my therapist said:  Wow, you seem to be deeply conflicted between your religious upbringing and your current religious convictions.

    Ummm…

    Ahhh…

    But!….

    OK, see you next week.

  • Mirror Mirror

    This is my least favorite time at work. It is the end of our fiscal year and I have to do staff evaluations.

    Now 8 of my 9 employees received an average to excellent rating. But of course those don’t count. The only one I care about is the one who was struggling. Part of why I feel bad is that for every employee who has a “bad year” could probably have improved their rating if I had done more one on one training. So part of their failure is my failure.

    The second part I hate is that I get my own evaluation. I got a good review, but in the section about “things to improve,” I had some dings. My boss rightly so pointed out that I occasionally lose it. I lash out and can leave a wake of anger in my path.

    What I hate about that observation is not that it is unfair. Actually, I think it is dead on. The problem is it is in the improvement section. I know myself and this will likely not improve. I am never purposely mean or vindictive. But when the switch in my lizard brain gets flipped, I go nuts.

    Part of this I think is baseline stress. Trying to be a good parent to a kid with VACTERAL takes most of my emotional reserves. The couple of time I flipped out this years, it was while I was dealing with a medical crisis. The other part is that I come from a long line of hotheads. My granddad used to get fired every 9 months or so because he punched someone on the job. He was one of the nicest people you would ever meet, but when his switch flipped, watch out.

    So once a year I get discouraged when I have to look in the mirror or shine the mirror on someone else. At 43, I may mellow with age. But fundamentally, I will not change. If I knew I was about to flip, there might be something to address. But most of the time, I don’t realize what I am doing until 5 minutes after I do it.

    I have a lot of compassion for people who committ violent crime. When I get angry, I say mean things. Many of those in prison are there because when they got angry they did something violent. There may be shades of gray, but fundamentally it is the same issue. Losing it is losing it. The only difference is the consequences.

    I guess I should consider myself lucky.