This is my least favorite time at work. It is the end of our fiscal year and I have to do staff evaluations.
Now 8 of my 9 employees received an average to excellent rating. But of course those don’t count. The only one I care about is the one who was struggling. Part of why I feel bad is that for every employee who has a “bad year” could probably have improved their rating if I had done more one on one training. So part of their failure is my failure.
The second part I hate is that I get my own evaluation. I got a good review, but in the section about “things to improve,” I had some dings. My boss rightly so pointed out that I occasionally lose it. I lash out and can leave a wake of anger in my path.
What I hate about that observation is not that it is unfair. Actually, I think it is dead on. The problem is it is in the improvement section. I know myself and this will likely not improve. I am never purposely mean or vindictive. But when the switch in my lizard brain gets flipped, I go nuts.
Part of this I think is baseline stress. Trying to be a good parent to a kid with VACTERAL takes most of my emotional reserves. The couple of time I flipped out this years, it was while I was dealing with a medical crisis. The other part is that I come from a long line of hotheads. My granddad used to get fired every 9 months or so because he punched someone on the job. He was one of the nicest people you would ever meet, but when his switch flipped, watch out.
So once a year I get discouraged when I have to look in the mirror or shine the mirror on someone else. At 43, I may mellow with age. But fundamentally, I will not change. If I knew I was about to flip, there might be something to address. But most of the time, I don’t realize what I am doing until 5 minutes after I do it.
I have a lot of compassion for people who committ violent crime. When I get angry, I say mean things. Many of those in prison are there because when they got angry they did something violent. There may be shades of gray, but fundamentally it is the same issue. Losing it is losing it. The only difference is the consequences.
I guess I should consider myself lucky.
