“…we all have a place that we hide away forever and we take them out and show ourselves when everyone has gone…”
My spiritual journey is focusing on one practice at the moment, meditation. One could call it prayer, but not in any traditional sense. There is little now dialogue going on except for self reminders to stop thinking. This particular method of prayer I decided to adopt after hearing what is likely an apocryphal quote attributed to Mother Theresa. She was asked by a reporter what she said to God when she prayed. Her response was profound, “mostly I just listen.” The reporter followed up with another question to which her response was even more profound. He asked what God said. To which she replied, “Mostly he just listens.”
The older I get, the less I think I know. Gone is the arrogant confidence of my 20s and 30s. My big plans of how the world would unfold before me lay mostly ruins. I no longer ask God for anything, because I am certain that I am completely incapable of asking the right question. I have not heard any answers in the past mostly because I don’t think I ever really listened. The best I can do is clear the channel and wait.
This has thus far yielded some unexpected results. In many ways I am calmer and more serene. My blood pressure has dropped and I am less worried about my uncertain future.
But it has also exposed the stranger or shadow (for you Jungians). There is a spot of white hot anger deep inside of me. It used to come out in times of stress and was expressed usually to the wrong person. But now it is crystal clear to me. I know what it is. I know why it is there. But thus far I am largely unable to channel it appropriately. And when it happens, I am almost blinded with rage. The kind of rage the wishes harm to come to individuals. Wanting misfortune to come someone’s way and getting all the more angry when it does not.
It seems odd to me that these two extremes should surface simultaneously. I feel like for the most part, I am more centered than I have been for years. But when I hit a trigger and the stranger shows up, I am more angry than ever. I have started to wonder if low grade misery (self inflicted) covers up a lot of dysfunction. Does finding inner peace somehow expose the areas of my life that are out of alignment?
Why do I feel such peace after meditating, but wake up in a cold sweat, full of rage and hate, in the middle of the night?
I honest do not know. But I hope that in the practice of meditation, a solution will eventually become clear.
I’m not sure if you can know yet. My guess is that you are in a process of change, and it may take some time before the resolution of that change comes. But keep up the meditation til then!
Also, you may be interested in watching a documentary called “The Dhamma Brothers” about an experiment in meditation therapy in a prison in Alabama. Last I had checked it was on Netflix streaming. Anyway, as you may expect, those inmates had some anger issues to, but did ultimately seem to experience a change.
“Meditation”, like “Prayer” has many meanings and various practices. And the outcomes of each have very different effects. Watching your own mind and calming it, is a valuable practice. Expecting to hear the voice of a god or a spirit seems very odd to me and possibly unhealthy. Then learning to actively be with the mind and not quiet it is another valuable practice.
Either way, I hope those night terrors slowly dissolve.
Good to see ya typin’ again.