Billy Joel had a song in the 70’s about the stranger. The Basic idea is that we all have an alter ego that no one would recognize.
And while I have a dark side like everyone else, I find that a Ben Folds Five song resonates more with me, The Best Imitation of Myself. The basic premise of the song is that we try so hard to please others that the real person is unknowable. The “real” person is just fragments of the person we present to others. Everyone we know has a piece, but no one (including us) has the whole picture.
Wow.
Back in college, I went on a date with this girl named Joy. We went out to eat and after we ordered our food, she asks, “So who is the real Ben Roberts?” I was dumbfounded. Which piece can I safely expose? Who do you want me to be? I will do my best to pretend to be this person.
I thought I was getting better with age. But this week I was reminded that in many ways I am still a fraud. I went out for beers with a friend. This is one of my last friends that I live near, so I am pretty “desperate” to keep him. The funny thing is, I am a total fraud with him. We hold completely opposite political views. But I feign agreement on most things political.
When I am at church, I am a saint. When I am at work, I am a sinner.
When I am with family, I am the model father. At home, I am mostly a grump.
So last night, my wife told me I needed to get out once a week and find a hobby. The subtext though was: Get a life. I actually got pissed off.
Why? I have lost the ability to be myself. What would I do? Sure, I could find some activity to fill an hour or two a week I could volunteer for some ministry at church. But that was not what she was asking me to do. She wants me to find something I am passionate about. Passion? Passion…really?
Hmmm… I really do not feel passionate about anything. I am in the schlub trap. I go to work. I come home. I eat. I take care of my family. I go to sleep. Rinse and repeat as necessary.
Passion
I am not sure that is even possible.
